Reasons I’m Running Low on TUMS

1. Lana came down with a cold last week, her very first illness. While we felt very fortunate to have made it 15 months without more than a runny nose, we also felt totally unprepared for the snotty, congested, cranky toddler that we found ourselves living with. Fortunately she is mostly recovered now and I’ve decided not to update the Rage Level Alert.



2. The Christmas lights, not content with just pissing me off, have moved on to trying to poison my baby with lead.



3. The vaccination Lana received two weeks ago may have been contaminated with bacteria.



4. At least 17% of the toys we already own or might purchase for Christmas are covered in lead.



5. Our kids are living in a stew of chemicals and environmental toxins.



6. The woman on the tums.com site, which I visited to check if TUMS should be in all caps (it should), won’t shut up about “taking my order.” I’ll take two smooth-dissolve TUMS and a new site design, thanks.

Now I’m off to buy a big plastic bubble.