15 Month Update

Dear Lana,

Today you turned 15 months old. The past month is probably best described as the month of “NO!” It began innocently enough, when I asked you, my mostly non-conversational child, if you had poop in your pants. To my surprise, you responded with an emphatic, “NO!”, and a string of head shakes and denials. The stench from your diaper tipped me off that this wasn’t the case, but “no, no, no” was your story and you were sticking to it.

Since then, you respond to almost every query with a “No” and a head shake. Only the very best things in life, like graham crackers and shopping trips, earn a hiss of approval (your version of yes) or a “peease.” You even tell yourself “No” sometimes, usually when you’re in the middle of a pressing task like the relocation of the contents of our pantry to the living room. When you are consumed with an activity like this your brow furrows and you mutter instructions to yourself as you go. Occasionally, you’ll stop in your tracks, shake your head, and say, “No, no, no,” as if you’ve mulled it over and reached the decision that a can of peas on the sofa is pure insanity. You make a quick about face and then head off in the opposite direction, transporting the peas to their new and improved destination in the laundry room.

Your love of books has grown in the past month to the point of near obsession. We read between three to 10 books before breakfast each morning and some are so good that they require repeat readings throughout the day. Your favorites right now are Great Day for Up! and Walk the Dog. The former is a Dr. Seuss book that your grandmother brought over and has the name "John" penciled in carefully by a little boy who grew up to be your Dad. The latter is a bargain book that I bought from Amazon while I was still toting you around in my belly. I remember showing it to a coworker and laughing when he asked if it was a book about chores. I’m still considering publishing my own line of books based on that idea. The first titles will be Empty Your Diaper Pail and Unload the Dishwasher. Look out, J.K. Rowling.

Your other favorite pastime is walking around and talking on the phone. We’ve given you plenty of decoy phones -- and I’m talking really good decoys like my old cell phone that’s still in fine working condition. You have no trouble, however, recognizing these phones as frauds and insist on walking around with our home phone tucked beneath your chin. You repeat “Hey” and “Bye” over and over as you stroll from room to room, and occasionally you utilize caller ID to ring my cousin’s cell phone or get bored and pitch the handset into the tub. I really have to hand it to V-Tech for making a product that still works after being dropped repeatedly, thrown considerable distances, and submerged in water. If only televisions were so durable.

All in all, it’s been another delightful month. You’ve turned into a social butterfly and I love nothing more than to take you out and watch as you charm the people you meet with your beautiful smile and your hearty greetings of “Hey, hi and bye.” You make everyone around you happy, most especially me.

Love,

Mom

Letter to the Lights

Dear Christmas Lights,

You are one of my favorite parts of the holidays. I love the way you brighten up even the darkest, coldest December nights. Just seeing you hanging from a tree or house puts me in the Christmas spirit.

So why are you trying to piss me off? Why will the majority of you not work at all this season, and the remainder of you are half-assing it with this partial strand on, partial strand off business? Is there a mini-lights strike I’m not aware of? Have you thrown your lot in with the Writers Guild of America to protest the unpaid distribution of your fine work via the Internet?

Let’s get serious – you have a pretty posh gig here. I only ask you to work for one month out of the year, and even then only between the hours of 5pm and midnight. Granted, that’s still slightly more responsibility than the other two dependents, but the small human one has recently shown that she can secure coupons for free food from Chick-fil-a just by smiling and being cute. And the hairy one can always be called upon to chase away solicitors. Please take a little time to consider what you can contribute to this household.

I’m giving you one more chance to stick around. I’ve procured a testing tool – a probe, if you will – which I will insert between your wires to determine if you are salvageable or destined for the trashcan. I doubt it will be comfortable, but you leave me no choice.

Put out or get out.

-Jennifer

(Video of testing progress below)

Things to remember when she’s a teenager

Lana has reached a point in her life where she is ridiculously cute and fun to be around. Everyday she does something that makes me laugh and marvel at this amazing little person that John and I have created. I would rather spend time playing with her than almost anything, and that includes sleeping late or eating chocolate cheesecake.

The only downside of all this cuteness is that I frequently worry we have reached the point of maximum fun – a peak in the Gantt chart of mother/daughter bliss that will slowly decline until the day she becomes a teenager and responds to all my questions with an eye roll and dramatic sigh. It can happen, just ask my poor Mom.

It is this concern that drives me to document and commit to memory every adorable moment of this wonderful stage in her life. These are the things I never want to forget:

• The way her face lights up and she says, “Heeeey!” when she sees me.


• The way she reaches for my hand when she needs support.


• The way she crinkles her nose when she laughs.


• The way she wraps her arms around my legs and buries her face in them when she’s feeling shy.


• The way she adores my singing.


• The way she offers her most cherished possession, her bunny blanket, to children she meets.


• The way she makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.